I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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