I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
