The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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