if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
