How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
