Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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