we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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