My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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