my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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