she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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