Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
