Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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