Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
