at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
