i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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