I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
