I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
