I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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