bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
