Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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