Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
