Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
