Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
