I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My penis needs a shock collar
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
