just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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