Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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