Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
