I got chris browned last night
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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