So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
So. Much. Porn.
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