Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize