I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
