After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
