The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
