i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
