I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
