you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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