Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I understand Curling. That high.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
