Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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