I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize