Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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