Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
