my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
