the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
