I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
