Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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