Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
