I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
