people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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