you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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