I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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