This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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