The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
