just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
