happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
