Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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