my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
