He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
