4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize