Banned from zoo.
Again?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
