every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
