whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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