we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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