i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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