Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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