Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
