So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
