I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Randomize
