I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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